Worst Tattoo Ideas

James Brown scrolling through Wilma Flintstone's ipod.

A guy raking light bulbs out from under a tree made of lamps.

Jabba Jaws the shark taking a picture of boobs at Mardi Gras with a cellphone camera.

Mr. Bevedere braiding Abe Lincoln's pubes

A coffee machine (wearing a 70's style turtle neck) playing a trumpet in a jazz band...smooth jazz that is.

The Swedish Chef struggling to write lyrics to an educational rap song about abstinence

Stephen Hawking totally rocking on a 6 string bass - he's totally slapping an popping the shit out of it

A coke-addled Scrappy-doo feeling up a roofied Lenny Kravitz at a Cumbersome concert (Seven Mary Three cover band)

Bill Cosby sheepishly trying to hide a boner

A recently separated Mr. Wizard and Joe Camel sharing and uncomfortable silence at a bar mitzvah.

The word "BUTT" on the knuckles of your right hand and the word "HOLE" on the knuckles of your left hand

Captain Caveman hastily trying to locate his taint by standing over a mirror in his living room.  The May 2004 issue of Redbook is on his coffee table.

Elvis (wearing only shrunken, faded  throw-back Larry Bird Jersey) having a hell of a time trying to open a can of candied yams.  In the background, a lingerie-clad Martin Short waits with hands on hips; the mood has been killed.

Dick Cheney giving a honest attempt to play a slide whistle to a Best of Randy Newman record.

Heman eating pancakes with Skeletor.

Salt and  pepper shakers reenacting a civil war battle (the pepper, representing the Confederacy)

A map of the North American Continent except with different names for the countries: Canada = "Dickland"  The US = "The United States of Balls" and Mexico = "Taintistan"

Two spoons swordfighting with dinosaur pencils

King Kong dressed as a Buckingham Palace guard.

The pope fronting vocals in a hardcore hand (fist holding microphone extended into the pit)

A group (flock?) of tape dispensers drinking from a shallow stream in the Austrailian Outback

A guitar dressed as a janitor mopping up puke in a high school cafeteria.

Keith Richards standing in line at a grocery store, holding green peppers and wearing a jacket made out of meat.

A giant Mickey Mouse, leaning on two buidings (taking a break from destroying St. Paul, MN) and picking TV's out of his teeth with a tree

Andre the Giant reluctantly jetting down a slip n' slide (he's also wearing black socks)

Liono (from Thundercats) waiting at a doctor's office, reading Popular Science (may 2003 issue).

Your dad mowing the lawn (but the “lawn” is actually your back hair)

A squirrel in your inner thy, stretching up an standing on its hind legs with its front paws extended, grasping for your testicles.

An Eight ball

Two old men engaging in a serious round of speed chess in a burning building.

Two seagulls fighting over a half eaten bagel

An elephant carrying a child.

A tiger dressed as a waiter, serving coffee to a table of elks

A TV dinner

A washing machine with arms and legs

Mustard

A 64-pack of crayons with the marigold-colored crayon sticking out

A Keebler elf on fire, running

A fax machine with wings fighting a copy machine with a scorpion’s tail

A toilet filled to the brim with kittens

A shark riding a bear

A stomach tattooed on your abdomen, filled with spaghetti

Two mice making out

A banana filled with spiders

Two unicorns standing in front of a stove preparing ground beef for tacos

A trumpet with money coming out

Two sperm high-fiving

A bottle of Seagram’s Seven

An ashtray filled with fingers

Skeletor, flossing

A leprechaun ironing a shirt

A belt and a belt buckle around your waist with six-shooters in gun holsters

The Predator pouring a martini and loosening his neck tie after a ruff day at the office

A shrimp cocktail

Two Snorks swordfighting at a Wendy's.

The phrase "Keep on truckin'" or "World's Greatest Grandpa," tattooed on your taint.

Ronald Regan wearing one of those Chipendale collars, giving a thumbs up

"Three's Company" across the chest

Santa Claus pounding Jack Daniels

The tooth fairy holding a bag of bloody teeth in one hand and a clenched, bruised fist in the other

The year "1992" anywhere

"(enter name of high shcool here) High School Drama Club" on your calf

Hulk Hogan applying deoderant

The phrase "I love pussy, sometimes"

A group of Rams taking a smoke break on the side of a mountain.

"Roadhouse Door Staff," across the back.

A flock of bat-winged chocolate bars attacking a fat guy

Cobra Commander working on a crossword puzzel (scratching his head)

Voltron playing racking pool balls.

Batman swimming in the ocean.

Rambo getting spanked by Mr. Clean

“D is for Dick!”

Spiderman doing his taxes, wearing one of those old-time visors and using an old adding machine

A locomotive with the phrase “Cleveland Steamer,” on the side

A telephone with tarantula legs spinning a spider web

The entire band (all members, past and present, even the dead ones) of Lynard Skynard

Cell phones hanging upside down in a cave, like bats

Neil Young clipping his toenails

Godzilla sitting on the couch, flipping through television channels, munching on a bowl of motorcycles.

A butter knife with male features, sensuously buttering a piece of bread with female features

Grey Machine - Disconnected

Grey Machine is a sludge/noise/electronic super group of sorts.  It marks the first official (and hopefully not last) collaboration of Aaron Turner (Isis, Old Man Goom, House of Low Culture, Lotus Eaters, and owner of extreme/metal/noise/experimental label Hydra Head Records) and hyper-prolific Justin K. Broadrick (Napalm Death, Godflesh, Jesu, Final, etc).  If you're internet record review savvy like me, you will find that Grey Machine's debut, Disconnected did not fair well with most critics.  This is unfortunate and clearly the sign of our modern ADD era, because with a first listen this album sounds like a noisy mess.  With subsequent listens however, Turner and Broaderick's collaborative genius unfolds.

First off, what would you expect if you were told that these two great forces would collide?  On one hand you have Aaron Turner's suspected input.  His time fronting Isis would come to mind first: (as of recent) a combination of Neurosis's crushing riffs partnered with Pink Floyd's Meddle era spaced-out jams.  On the other hand you have Broadrick's current flagship project, Jesu (pronounced "Yay-Su"): the best parts of Godflesh filtered though a morphine bath and a My Bloody Valentine fetish.  A combination of these elements would yield exactly what you would expect: tired, post-metal dribble (copies of copies of copies of Isis and Jesu). Fortunately, this isn't the case.

From the first riff of the album's opener, Wolf At The Door, we are treated to a pounding drop-tuned bass assault akin to Godflesh. But as the song progresses the sound hearkens back to early 80's No-Wave and Post-Punk acts such as the early Swans records and a dash of blackened This Heat...if you can imagine that.  Continuing on through the album, any trace of Turner and Broadrick's other bands almost vanish.  As Vultures Descends starts up, early Industrial bands come to mind: The Land of Rape And Honey era Ministry, early Throbbing Gristle etc.  Solid, repetitive riffs entangle with sheets of white-hot noise through many of the tracks.  The vocals are tortured and distorted, buried by the cacophonous mixture of death that Grey Machine procures without effort, and in a natural fashion.

Beside the homages to early Industrial, Post-Punk and No-Wave records, Disconnected has a few tracks that are more ambiguous (yet still crushingly brutal).  It's more of a pull from both collaborators noisier projects (House of Low Culture, Lotus Eaters and Final).

Just Breathing offers a slow, building, muted guitar march to the edge of an active volcano.  The track slowly gathers like an angry mob.  Squalls of noise finally fester into an apex and eventual "fall"; the listener is being thrown over the edge into the hellish soup.

Similarly, Sweatshop, plods along like an assembly line in 4/4.  Voices and noise give way to a mechanized rhythmic current that suddenly stops.

The album ends with Easy Pickings and a track that is titled "Untitled."  The former, another noisy rhythm-laced instrumental track.  This might be the weakest piece on the album when taken in by itself.  The latter is the one song on the album where we can clearly hear the discernible growl of Aaron Turner.  The beats are unmistakably electronic; almost with a Trip-hop feel.  It's chilled-out (again, still brutal) track that serves as a cool-down, yet strong finish - the kind you wouldn't mind waking up to after passing out when your fifteenth beers deep.

One more thing that I will say about this album: most of the songs stand up on their own, but after repeated listens, it is very clear that this album was, in my opinion, meant to be digested as a whole.  One needs time to really dig in.  The layers are plenty and you can hear different things with each listen.

http://www.myspace.com/officialgreymachine

For fans of: Ministry, Severed Heads, Swans, Godflesh, Throbbing Gristle, etc.

Tangled In Lies

Have you ever been on Tangle?  It's like the YouTube, but is sucks hard for a myriad of reasons, mainly because it advocates Christianity.  Basically, the site posts these videos that are supposed to foster discussion amongst Christians in regards to their faith (or level of faith "are you in love with Jesus?  Are you really in love with Jesus...a lot?").

The videos are terrible.  I can't decide what entertains me more, the videos that are basically a glorified Power Point presentation to the tune of some God-awful (pun indented) Christian rock band (yes, just text on a screen with some holy-roller with a guitar wailing on about the Bible) or the random Norman Rockwell-esque "slice of life" videos of kids being silly little kids (those darn little rascals!) and people doing stunts that should only solicit a modicum of "Wow!."

I actually subscribed for email updates...just for my own personal entertainment.  It's great.  My favorite thing to do is forward the really ridiculous videos to my friends of the reasonable/rational/logical persuasion and ruin their day.  It's easy to do.  They now have to go on through the rest of their day thinking about how some religious zealot took the time out of his or her day (which could have been spent working, being productive and/or not worrying about "saving" the rest of us and trying to better society through science/technology/philosophy/ethics) and produced a half-assed attempt to try to sway us reasonable folk to accept their superstition for fear of eternal damnation.

I still don't understand how this site is a persuasive.  Again, the videos are amateur at best; the nerdy AV kid that set up the VCR in your high school science class could have done better.  Then again, I guess it's more of a God-fearing people's meet-and-greet, twenty-first century style.  And that's the part that scares me.  When people of faith - and especially the ones that feel they need connection beyond their local church on Sundays - when people of this much faith organize like this, it just makes me think that their up to something that is not within my best interests, or in the best interests of our country as a secular sovereign nation (we are not a Christian nation...that's what I've come to understand as it was not indoctrinated in our Constitution...and that's what our current President understands, thankfully).

Think about it: what if Tangle was an video advocacy site for the Muslim faith?  That shit would be all over the news.  And people (probably Christians first) would be calling for blood.  The site wouldn't last a week because all their advertisers would have most likely pulled any ad (revenue for and website) for fear of guilt by association.  Why should it be any different, regardless of what religion Tangle advocates?

Enough ranting...check out the site, it's great for a laugh, but if you're like me, it's a little scary too.

http://www.tangle.com/